I pulled out the jingling bunch of keys from my pocket in order to unlock the door. The old, grey door opened with a crackling sound. These days, I call this soundless house my home!

Isn’t it peculiar how we perceive things? Only a month ago, this house seemed to be filled with dreams and hopes. Where have they all gone; I find myself wondering? And when the period of ambient darkness began, it got me thinking. Is this the life I dreamt of? Am I happy? What even constitutes happiness? To be brutally honest, I don’t have answers for any of these swirling questions. Yet, it’s fascinating how the human brain, this complex and curious organ, functions. It sometimes holds on, unwilling to let go, provoking thoughts like, how did I find myself here today?

So, let’s take a trip back to 2022. That’s when everything changed at once – I got married, moved to a new country, started sharing a home with a man for the first time in my life, and began a new job. Within this whirlwind of change, life dealt its cruel hand, and my father passed away. After returning home to mourn, I was forced to come back overseas after just three weeks to resume my work. A daunting choice lay ahead of me: Should I stay back with my mother, offering her my emotional and physical support in our shared grief? Or did my duty lie across the seas in my new life, sending financial aid back home to her? I chose the latter.

Chapter 1: Being an immigrant.

We all know that being an immigrant is not easy. It entails navigating a myriad of challenges, from adjusting to a new culture and dealing with homesickness, to facing discrimination or isolation at times. Constantly trying to fit in, moving houses, having every other immigrant dictate how you should live your life based on their own experiences… It sucks! And the worst thing amongst all of this? Trying to make friends!

Being an extrovert, I thrive on social interaction, but finding it was harder than anticipated. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I didn’t put effort into building a social circle. I did small part-time casual gigs just to meet some people. I tried different meet-up groups. I reached out to old friends who had come here before me. Some friendships fizzled out so quickly, I didn’t even realize when they started and when they ended. Others demanded constant efforts to please them, to align with their opinions, and to suppress any disagreements, just so that I could count one more person as a friend. Although some were kind to me, even though they didn’t have to, I still couldn’t find that one ‘2 am friend’ to whom I could just call and cry.

Chapter 2: Marriage

Relationships and marriages are very different from what people often assume. Unfortunately, to truly understand the reality of marriage, one must experience it themselves! But I will try to share my experience. According to me, in a relationship, you usually encounter happier things since you are two individuals who choose to come together for part of the day to spend time and create memories. But marriage introduces a complex series of responsibilities at every turn. From the moment you wake up and go to brush your teeth, ensuring there’s enough toothpaste left, to the time you are about to go to bed, making sure there’s enough mosquito repellent left – it’s all just a series of chores and responsibilities. Then comes the question of dividing those responsibilities. Should it be equal? Who is more capable? Is it determined by gender, experience, natural tendencies, or personal preference? The considerations are endless. Amidst all of this, we also need to spend quality time with each other to create memories like normal relationships. Most importantly, what’s a marriage without disagreements?

Chapter 3: Grief

Do you dream? Have you ever dreamt of death? This part is not for the faint-hearted. While writing this, I am tapping into the suppressed, unexpressed screams within.

Nine days after I moved to a new country and five days into starting my new job, my dad died. It was 19th June 2022, Father’s Day. Due to the time difference, I’d left a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ message for my dad and went to bed. Unbeknownst to me, my phone’s sleep mode had silenced any calls. At 3 am, my husband received a call from his dad. The night was so quiet that I could clearly detect the anxiety in his voice through the phone, even though it wasn’t on speaker. Instantly, my heart started racing. I grabbed my phone and saw 22 missed calls from both my parents. I called back immediately, and my mom answered, her trembling voice shattering my soul. She told me they’d taken my dad into the ICU after a heart attack and asked if I could come home as soon as possible. I affirmed and hung up.

I tried calling numerous people back home for help, but to no avail. After 47 unanswered calls, my mom called me back and uttered three words that stopped my world: ‘KK is gone.’ And just like that, he was gone. I never did get a reply to my Father’s Day message.

Chapter 4: New Job

Starting a new job always feels like the beginning of a new journey. Unfortunately, within just five days, I had to return home. I’m grateful for the support I received from work. The partner at my firm instantly approved my overseas travel, for which I’ll always be grateful. After three weeks, I was back at work, acting as if nothing had happened and constantly putting on a brave face. I was scared that if I opened, people would show sympathy, and then I wouldn’t know if I was chosen for projects based on my merits or their emotions. Hence, I chose to suppress my feelings.

Consulting is a challenging field! I constantly had to hustle to get onto projects. The work culture was a world apart from what I was accustomed to back home. Here, I had to constantly prove my potential and promote myself to senior management to secure a place on a project. Once the project was complete, the hustle began anew. Going for coffee catchups, constantly reaching out to new people whilst also maintaining relationships with others in your network was enervating even for an extrovert like me! Honestly, during the first eight months, I didn’t really comprehend the art of networking! It involved a lot of unlearning, learning, and relearning ways of working with people to align myself with the organization’s culture.

The most challenging periods were the idle times between projects. My experience with this so-called “bench” concept was frankly quite tough. With technology forever at its peak, the constant sense of urgency to keep myself updated to avoid becoming redundant was exhausting!

Chapter 5: Realization

Just a month ago, I took a trip back home after a year and a half, having gone through a rollercoaster of emotions. Life at home was perfect – a stark contrast to how I’d perceived it two years ago when all I wanted was to leave. Now, it seemed so flawless, I could hardly believe it. What irony! Having food laid out on the table before I even thought about it felt like a privilege; having people to converse with, meet up, and hang out with was heart-warming. The freedom to move around at will, to drive or ride anywhere, anytime, it all made me realize the independence I’d taken for granted. Simply being taken care of felt like the greatest luxury one could ask for. I’m sincerely grateful for that one month that instilled in me a profound sense of gratitude.

But after every night, the sun rises anew, and a fresh day begins. Recently, I’ve started talking to some new and old friends who are helping me stay afloat. My husband and I are growing accustomed to the realities of married life, greatly eased by frequent, open communication. Meeting my mother this time gave me a sense of relief. She’s back on her feet, has started a new job, and she’s living independently, constantly striving to better herself. Amidst all the chaos, she even earned a promotion at work. She’s my constant source of inspiration. Additionally, I now have a mentor at work who is helping me navigate through my career. So, I can’t really complain.

To all my readers, consider this a reality check. We will all encounter hurdles in our lives; some face them in intervals, some face them all at once, some at an early age, and some later in life. So, let’s try to be kind to one another. You never know what the person next to you, the face smiling in front of you, or the seemingly perfect Instagram profile with all its happy stories, might be hiding from the world. Let’s help each other pick up the pieces and keep going in this journey called life!